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The simple joy of climbing
Published: 2024-04-07
I first went bouldering at a north London climbing centre in summer 2022, in order to try and impress someone I was dating at the time. We joined a friendly group of people who visited weekly and climbed together, and I initially suffered through it because they were very lovely and it was nice to be in a community. I was very scared of going up walls though and I was kinda weak and had little noodle arms though, but it didn’t stop me. I had to take a break for three months as I had bottom sur
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Whoops! Let’s try this again.
Published: 2024-03-28
Having finally seen a psychiatrist this week to look into my serious mental health symptoms, I’ve finally been given a diagnosis and treatment plan—I have Complex PTSD, which is honestly what I began to realise I had already. But it’s definitely a big jump from thinking you have something, to a trained professional telling you that, yes, your brain is really that fucked up. In Safe Mode, I explained how this affects how I interact with the world every day. Emotions feel too intense to the point
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safe mode
Published: 2024-02-14
Safe mode is a feature in Windows where your computer boots up in a basic state, with most features and abilities disabled. It’s intended as a way to safely rule out bad settings and rogue hardware drivers that can be causing issues, and give you a more stable place to start fixing things. As a result, what you’re able to do when you’re in safe mode is rather limited. My brain has been in safe mode for the last year. Every little thing, every perceived “threat”, any time where there is a lot o
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The existential fear of rejection
Published: 2023-08-21
I signed up for my second round of therapy with the goal of managing and breaking out of a depressive spiral. In the first appointment, my therapist predicted that my depression is powered by anxiety alone, and by tackling that, it would lead to much better management of my depression. The next session she made a conjecture that my anxiety was built on the fear of rejection and abandonment. So er, turns out she was right. On both counts. Working through feelings and my behavioural patterns and
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Surviving
Published: 2023-07-04
Content warning for strong depression themes, mentions of suicide It wasn’t until the last couple of weeks, that I was fully able to comprehend that just getting through life makes you a survivor. I’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety for years and years, and it came to a head earlier in 2023. I’ve missed so much time with my friends, at work, and with my hobbies over the last couple of months especially. Last week, I began the third attempt at finding a medicine that works to allev
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